A Slave to Diet Soda

Diet soda rules me with an iron fist. And, this master-slave relationship is long-established in my life. Although my adult years have been characterized by healthy eating patterns, there is one item that I could never purge - diet soda. Candy, snacks, fried foods, etc. - eliminated without looking back. But, I cannot shake the evil little diet soda monkey from its death grip on my back.

It began with Tab. I don't actually think there is a more unpalatable beverage in the universe than Tab, but I quaffed it with abandon. The unusual aspect to this was that I began drinking Tab at an age that predated any female-inspired weight concerns. I didn't drink it to watch my figure. I just drank it. I remember the highly textured bottle with the kitschy yellow design. I would keep 32-oz bottles of the stuff in my bedroom and chug away while watching television or reading a book. It should be noted, again, that I was a youngster. I still took sugar in my coffee and ate junk food like it was manna from heaven. But, my beverage of choice was diet soda.

Then Diet Coke hit the market. I thought I had died and my soul had passed into Paradise. I would gladly have accepted the insertion of an intravenous tube through which the brown bliss was fed continuously into my arm. I fell in love with it at first taste. Not that it was so splendid in and of iteself, but it sure beat the pants off Tab. Again, large bottles were always at my side and my vending machine change always bought me a cold can of diet delight.

Diet Coke, Diet Vanilla Coke, Diet Coke with Lime, Diet Pepsi, Diet Pepsi Vanilla, Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi, Diet Dr. Pepper, Diet Barq's Root Beer, Diet Rite and all its siblings, the whole Waist Watchers clan, Diet Polar variations, generic Diet clones from WalMart or Costco, Diet Hansens, Diet Jones Soda...name it and I've tried it. Some are better than others, some more available in my area...but my eye is always peeled for them in stores and convenience shops. I use the light of soda machines as migratory signals like the birds use the stars. There was a time in college where I could plot a map of every soda machine on campus and in the surrounding college-town zone.

Even my energy drinks are Diet. Sugarfree Bawls, Sugarfree Pirhana, Energy Twin, Redline, NeuroStim...all calculated to give you a kick in the head the dietetic way. It is rather wacky that I would indulge in a beverage for energy, but avoid the sugar that would boost the energy even higher.

Experts say, for a variety of reasons, that Diet Soda is an evil entity. Whether the article centers around the type of sweetener, the affect on the skeletal system, the strain on the kidneys, etc., the medical and health communities condemn Diet Soda with unusual consensus. In the lowcarb world in which I live, Diet Soda is also viewed with a bent eye. "Drink Your Water" is the mantra. I hate water. It is tasteless, flat, heavy and just never gets as cold as soda. Never. There is some magic to Diet Soda that allows it to become colder than water mass for mass and cooling time for cooling time. Diet Soda has bubbles. Whereas they do not always play nice with my intestines on a low-pressure day, they do make for a more enjoyable and refreshing beverage.

Diet Soda has a long-term lease in my refrigerator. Following pattern, I keep 2-liter bottles chilling in wait and drink from them directly when thirst strikes. Why bother dirtying a glass when all that is required is a long draw from the bottle? I always have a ready supply of dollar bills and quarters in preparation for chance soda machine encounters. A convenience store sign is my sign to make a pit stop for more soda. I refer to my vehicle as the "Rolling Recycling Bin," due to the number of empty soda bottles that litter the passenger side. Every day finds me carting bottles of soda into work with me. I have a refrigerator in my classroom that keeps my life's blood properly chilled.

Some might argue that it is the caffeine to which I am addicted. I would agree, but not for the reason they are putting forth. I am not drawn to Diet Soda for the caffeine. I will happily drink Diet Rite, Waist Watchers, Diet Polar, etc. and they are caffeine-free. I can obtain caffeine from many sources including, I must shamefully admit, carb-free straight caffeine tablets that are always on hand in purse/computer case/backpack/lunch bag for emergencies. I have endless sources for caffeine, so I am not limited to soda. No, it is something else. Something to which I have never been able to accurately point. I drink Diet Soda and I enjoy Diet Soda. Perhaps it goes no further than that. Maybe it does. Maybe there is a sinister underworld orgfanization bent on taking over the world and this is their device to control the masses. I know, for instance, that I am not the only one in America with this devotion to the Diet Deity. The proliferation of Diet Soda varieties on the market is evidence of this. Should we be readying for an overthrow of our current social structure? Of our political system? Of life as we know it?

Perhaps, but I'm still not drinking water.