Lil' Me

Upon reaching adulthood, I have neither increased nor decreased in height. It is my mind that tells me whether I am "big" or "little," and that changes day to day. I'm not referring to weight, but everything about me. Some days I am lil' me. Some days I am not. I like the "not" days the best.

"Not" days are those where I feel enormous. My brain, my body, my heart and my soul are strong and powerful. I feel like a Valkyrie or Amazon. Sturdy, sparking with vitality. Rock solid and ready to tackle anything. An Earth Mother, but not those mewling, nurturing ones you see pictured around. An unstoppable, primal female virtually indistinguishable from pure natural energy. This is not to be confused with happiness, though. These days are not necessarily happy days, although some definitely are joyful. These are simply days when all forces align properly and I am expanded by the actions of physics. I feel like I have in each hand a live wire and I am an integral part of the universal circuit.

Other days are "lil' me" days. Days of dimunition. Tinier than Tom Thumb, more frail than the oldest resident of a retirement home. Weak of limb, slow of mind and hesitant of action. Like the smallest mouse in the field, ever watchful for predators. I feel that I have insufficent energy to rise to even the most minor challenge; the energy barely covers holding the atoms of my body together in human form. And these are not necessarily sad days. My emotional state could be quite perky, but I have the size and ability of a tragically premature baby.

Today is a lil' me day. Emotionally, I am fine. No blues, no sadness, no frustration. But I feel very, very small. The cumulative abuse my body has given me combined with the inactivity over the past few days has whittled the mighty oak to a toothpick. I am again resting with feet raised, as they have not healed especially well. I am hopeful to get an appointment today to discuss receiving a prescription for a new antibiotic. I am most hopeful that tomorrow is a "not" day, as I have a GI series to undergo and would much like to feel strong for that ordeal. But, I know from experience that I cannot will these days into being. I can manipulate my mood to a degree, but not the pattern of "lil' me" and "not" days. There is some magical ritual in which my body and subconscious participate to shape my days. I am not part of that rite. I simply receive the results and behave accordingly. A puppet on a string, perhaps, but at least it is actually me that is controlling the puppet. Now, if I can just make myself dance...