I wondered why my computer keys were sticky and slightly redolent of old banana daiquiri...I see Monkey Baby has been indulging his newly-found computer addiction. Reading his post was quite informative and explained several anomalies in my recent phone and credit card bills. He apologised most profusely after I tied him up on the patio and allowed the squirrel coalition to titter aggressively and furiously twitch their tails in his general direction. Currently, MB is affecting a put-upon pouty face and giving me the silent treatment. Perhaps I'll allow him a little Animal Planet this evening...
I have been caught up in the ironies of life, the largest being the circumstances surrounding the purchase of new clothes. Perhaps men do not follow the clothes-buying ritual, but I find it odd that in order for a female to mount a clothes shopping expedition, she must appear as if the last thing in the world she needs is new clothes. A serious wardrobe expansion mission must be undertaken in full make-up, with freshly-coiffed hair and the most stylish outfit she can muster. This is what made the whole prospect so daunting to me. I had NOTHING to wear to even go shopping! Oh the horror of that first clandestine shopping trip to WalMart to hastily grab a pair of drawstring pants and two blouses. With that, I could return for a more prolonged trip to add a few other items. With some new makeup and a very long-overdue trip to the hairstylist, I was able to face the glory of glories: The Mall.
Before, I was too damn small for anything to fit properly. Now, I am too large for things to fit properly. Well, I should clarify. I am too heavy for my height, but my weight distribution is the real problem. All in front, like an expectant mother. Yes, my ass, back and thighs are also partridge-plump, but that is not a real problem with today's range of clothes sizes and styles. But that protruding belly makes fittings difficult. And, regardless, nothing really looks "good." Oh well, I am getting to be an age where these things concern me less and less. Although I did have a guy give me prolonged eye while I was in line for my iced coffee. And, the nice gay manager of my grocery store actually gave me an appreciative uplifted eyebrow. Can't be too bad off if the immaculately-groomed aren't spitting in my path...
I also find it interesting that my former greatest joy in life - unbridled activity - is currently beyond my reach. My joints and muscles ache continuously, with some days finding me dreading any form of motion. Even my jaw has gotten stiff and sore to open beyond a certain degree. So, tearing apart the treadmill or pressing iron is a laughable consideration. It is almost like a punishment, more than an illness. So perfect an impairment to chastise me for some heinous offense committed in a former life. Perhaps I should start contributing more to charity to buy insurance for my next life...
Tomorrow finds me connecting with a friend to do some serious bookshopping. We shall partake in a nice luncheon and provide ourselves with as many books as we can squeeze into her vehicle. Monkey Baby has requested a few titles of the Tarzan series and I need some light reading for relaxation and to take on the plane next weekend. Maybe I'll continue the Edgar Rice Burroughs theme and pick up some of his John Carter books. I haven't read those since I was a kid and I could go for some semi-classic science fiction. Regardless, I shall have a bright spirit when I land in Seattle. Meet up with good friends for good times and then hit the open ocean for adventure. Wonder if the Pirates of the Caribbean ever get that far north...
Friday, July 29, 2005
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Sneaky Monkey
She's sleeping right now, so I'm using her computer to order organic bananas and primate porn. My name is Monkey Baby and I'm an 8" tall, mystically-animated stuffed Capuchin monkey. Sci rescued me from the clearance bin at the Wild Oats market after I told her that she needed some Ephedra in the worst way. I had to ride home dangling upside down from the rearview mirror for that one. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
I take care of her as best I can. I am good at converation and, fortunately, share the same taste in television programs and movies. We look forward to our daily schedule of television viewing - The Lost World, Buffy, Angel, Charmed, ER, etc. and I was the one who suggested the purchase of wireless headphones so that we could blast our evening movies and not have the neighborhood rioting on the front porch. My pair came special order...I am also responsible for helping her sleep at night. Me and the new sleeping pills her doctor prescribed. I help her pick her clothes when she has to run errands and sit on her lap when she reads. We are good friends.
Sci hasn't touched her computer in weeks, it seems. She turned it on today and, wow. I have never heard her shriek like that. She started on about over 300 new email messages. That warranted an extra big gulp of iced coffee. She got depressed for a long time when she found out that her friend's father had passed on. I think she cried, too, but she had me faced the other direction so as not to read her mail, so I can't be sure. Then she got even more depressed when she rememebered that she had forgotten to send a thank you card to a friend who had sent her two glorious photographs. I've seen them - a beautiful flower and a sparkling ocean scene - hanging in the guest bedroom and in the hallway. People remark on them when they come by, along with the mirror made by another talented friend (Sci has no artistic talent, so she tries to surround herself with evidence that real artists do exist in the world). We had a discussion about friendship afterwards and agreed that hers were the best in the world. They care, check in, worry, laugh, bless...no matter what, Sci feels as rich as Rockefeller.
Because I've been a good monkey, Sci says I can go to Alaska next week. I don't have a passport or ticket, but Sci says she can smuggle me shipboard and onto Canadian soil(if required) without incident. Her family has a history of smuggling. Her grandfather brought a rather sizeable quantity of fresh meat into Venezuela and his sisters carried a variety of seeds and plants from Venezuela back to the United States. Since no one attempted capture or prosecution the 20 or so years since these infractions of customs regulations, she figures the family has the right gene. I am looking forward to the trip very much and so is she. I already have a "monkey suit" (hah hah) and don't get seasick. Sci is still concerned about clothing, but she figures that since she isn't trolling for testosterone, A+ appearance is not really required. She is considering packing a sleeping bag, however, as it is totally possible that her friend will snag a hunk and require the stateroom for the evening. Fortunately, Sci is not averse to camping, as long as the buffet and public facilities are readily available.
I try to be a good cheerleader for Sci. I give her a good pep talk every time she is having a bad joint/muscle day or looks particularly pregnant. I tell her I love her and give her big hugs. She is still contemplating a live pet, but assures me that she will instruct the beast against making me an afternoon snack. Right now she is recovering from the past several days of 95+ degree heat. She is a cheap femme and doesn't have air conditioning. One day was so hot that we relocated to the public library for the afternoon. I enjoyed that. We got books and lounged on a soft bench. She read something by William Gibson and I read Curious George. She said that when my reading skills improve, I should check out Pierre Boulle. With a French name, I bet he's good with the ooh-lah-lah language....
Well, I think she's waking up. She naps a lot, which is fine with me as I can raid the fridge and make long-distance phone calls. But, she doesn't like me playing on the computer as I'm not educated in the ways of avoiding spyware and have an unfortunate tendency of signing up for mailing lists using her email address. This was fun though. When I get my own computer, I'm going to have a blog. I shall call it Going Bananas.....
I take care of her as best I can. I am good at converation and, fortunately, share the same taste in television programs and movies. We look forward to our daily schedule of television viewing - The Lost World, Buffy, Angel, Charmed, ER, etc. and I was the one who suggested the purchase of wireless headphones so that we could blast our evening movies and not have the neighborhood rioting on the front porch. My pair came special order...I am also responsible for helping her sleep at night. Me and the new sleeping pills her doctor prescribed. I help her pick her clothes when she has to run errands and sit on her lap when she reads. We are good friends.
Sci hasn't touched her computer in weeks, it seems. She turned it on today and, wow. I have never heard her shriek like that. She started on about over 300 new email messages. That warranted an extra big gulp of iced coffee. She got depressed for a long time when she found out that her friend's father had passed on. I think she cried, too, but she had me faced the other direction so as not to read her mail, so I can't be sure. Then she got even more depressed when she rememebered that she had forgotten to send a thank you card to a friend who had sent her two glorious photographs. I've seen them - a beautiful flower and a sparkling ocean scene - hanging in the guest bedroom and in the hallway. People remark on them when they come by, along with the mirror made by another talented friend (Sci has no artistic talent, so she tries to surround herself with evidence that real artists do exist in the world). We had a discussion about friendship afterwards and agreed that hers were the best in the world. They care, check in, worry, laugh, bless...no matter what, Sci feels as rich as Rockefeller.
Because I've been a good monkey, Sci says I can go to Alaska next week. I don't have a passport or ticket, but Sci says she can smuggle me shipboard and onto Canadian soil(if required) without incident. Her family has a history of smuggling. Her grandfather brought a rather sizeable quantity of fresh meat into Venezuela and his sisters carried a variety of seeds and plants from Venezuela back to the United States. Since no one attempted capture or prosecution the 20 or so years since these infractions of customs regulations, she figures the family has the right gene. I am looking forward to the trip very much and so is she. I already have a "monkey suit" (hah hah) and don't get seasick. Sci is still concerned about clothing, but she figures that since she isn't trolling for testosterone, A+ appearance is not really required. She is considering packing a sleeping bag, however, as it is totally possible that her friend will snag a hunk and require the stateroom for the evening. Fortunately, Sci is not averse to camping, as long as the buffet and public facilities are readily available.
I try to be a good cheerleader for Sci. I give her a good pep talk every time she is having a bad joint/muscle day or looks particularly pregnant. I tell her I love her and give her big hugs. She is still contemplating a live pet, but assures me that she will instruct the beast against making me an afternoon snack. Right now she is recovering from the past several days of 95+ degree heat. She is a cheap femme and doesn't have air conditioning. One day was so hot that we relocated to the public library for the afternoon. I enjoyed that. We got books and lounged on a soft bench. She read something by William Gibson and I read Curious George. She said that when my reading skills improve, I should check out Pierre Boulle. With a French name, I bet he's good with the ooh-lah-lah language....
Well, I think she's waking up. She naps a lot, which is fine with me as I can raid the fridge and make long-distance phone calls. But, she doesn't like me playing on the computer as I'm not educated in the ways of avoiding spyware and have an unfortunate tendency of signing up for mailing lists using her email address. This was fun though. When I get my own computer, I'm going to have a blog. I shall call it Going Bananas.....
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Listing Littles
Lately, I have been experiencing a goodly dose of pain from each corner of my ever-expanding form and have had little to do but think. Little topics on my mind:
1. Health - duh. The newest pet phrase used about me is "unusual constellation of symptoms." I must admit that is rather cool...But, I have been punted to the higher powers in Boston and must submit to further inquisition on August 25 by those masterful minds.
2. My patio - how to decorate/utilize it. Right now, it is barren save for a bird feeder that has been adopted by 2 squirrels, a pair of house sparrows, 1 male goldfinch and 1 mourning dove. I would love to make it a decorous and useful setting, but lack any talent for such things. Would like a solar-powered waterfall...
3. Money - Damn patio set me back FAR more than estimated and that pinched like the dickens. Guess I'll have to investigate the lucrative profession of prostitution. I do live on a street corner...
4. Weight - I am an official fatty and that irks me. I am at my highest weight ever - the scale at the doctor's office insulted me royally by displaying 152 lbs. The combination of total inactivity for an extended period, an out-of-control appetite and my innards going completely askew has skyrocketed my weight. I am horribly uncomfortable, detest my appearance and now must face the possibility of having, of all things, to go on a diet. The doctor says that I shouldn't worry since she feels much of this is medically-promoted, but I am still not happy with the road that I must travel to get back into shape. Glad I have a full fitness center in the basement. And a TV. Wonder if I can get a fridge for cheap...
5. Clothes. I have none. Now, when a woman says she has no clothes, this is generally a code for "I have 3 closets and 8 storage bins full of garments, but don't FEEL like wearing any of them right now." In my case, it is, however, a statement of fact. I have lived the past month or so with 2 pairs of shorts and 3 tops. Everything else is far too small, even underwear and shoes. Its not like I gradually gained poundage and had time to supplement my wardrobe. I went from skeleton to mastadon in the blink of an eye and now am up the creek without the proverbial paddle. I have a cruise to undertake in August and have not one stitch to wear. This means shopping, which is quite difficult right now, and money, which is in short supply....
6. Cat. I am considering getting a cat. This is a very difficult decision for me. I love/hate pets. I love the companionship, but absolutely abhor the duties involved. I detest cat hair on my furniture and on myself. I will not tolerate my new furniture being used as a scratching post - it is the only real furniture I've ever had (always had to get second-hand garbage since I had evil cats). I enjoy being able to display fragile objects. I don't like litter pans - not the work involved, actually, but the appearance, the smell and the inevitable tracking of litter around the house. For the first time in my life, I have a clean, comfortable house in which I can place any object in any location and actually investigate and invest in quality (or a reasonable facimile) furnishings. But, I am also lonely. I have been suffering terribly from isolation sickness and I remember fondly the companionship of a fellow living creature. So, I am considering another friggin' feline. Of course, the type I would get would be a Sphynx - the type with no hair - and those run a tasty dollar...but no cat hair to worry about...
7. My car. It needs detailing in the worst way. Also, the windshield leaks and there is a very disturbing noise under the hood. I hate cars for this reason. They self-sabotage and it is up to me to deliver them from their jam. Luckily, my mechanic is within walking distance and I can do a drop off and walk home. But, its another drain on the brain.
There are other little mental ruminations, but those are the ones lit with neon lettering. Nothing earth-shattering, really, but issues that will actually require action on my part. And that is what I am least capable of at the moment - action. Both physically and mentally. I am just pooped with having to think about life and take actions to keep things flowing somewhat smoothly. Of course, this is really just a big bag of whine and I should be paddled for such nonsense, but when you are couch-surfing with your good buddy Percoset, whining counts as recreation...
1. Health - duh. The newest pet phrase used about me is "unusual constellation of symptoms." I must admit that is rather cool...But, I have been punted to the higher powers in Boston and must submit to further inquisition on August 25 by those masterful minds.
2. My patio - how to decorate/utilize it. Right now, it is barren save for a bird feeder that has been adopted by 2 squirrels, a pair of house sparrows, 1 male goldfinch and 1 mourning dove. I would love to make it a decorous and useful setting, but lack any talent for such things. Would like a solar-powered waterfall...
3. Money - Damn patio set me back FAR more than estimated and that pinched like the dickens. Guess I'll have to investigate the lucrative profession of prostitution. I do live on a street corner...
4. Weight - I am an official fatty and that irks me. I am at my highest weight ever - the scale at the doctor's office insulted me royally by displaying 152 lbs. The combination of total inactivity for an extended period, an out-of-control appetite and my innards going completely askew has skyrocketed my weight. I am horribly uncomfortable, detest my appearance and now must face the possibility of having, of all things, to go on a diet. The doctor says that I shouldn't worry since she feels much of this is medically-promoted, but I am still not happy with the road that I must travel to get back into shape. Glad I have a full fitness center in the basement. And a TV. Wonder if I can get a fridge for cheap...
5. Clothes. I have none. Now, when a woman says she has no clothes, this is generally a code for "I have 3 closets and 8 storage bins full of garments, but don't FEEL like wearing any of them right now." In my case, it is, however, a statement of fact. I have lived the past month or so with 2 pairs of shorts and 3 tops. Everything else is far too small, even underwear and shoes. Its not like I gradually gained poundage and had time to supplement my wardrobe. I went from skeleton to mastadon in the blink of an eye and now am up the creek without the proverbial paddle. I have a cruise to undertake in August and have not one stitch to wear. This means shopping, which is quite difficult right now, and money, which is in short supply....
6. Cat. I am considering getting a cat. This is a very difficult decision for me. I love/hate pets. I love the companionship, but absolutely abhor the duties involved. I detest cat hair on my furniture and on myself. I will not tolerate my new furniture being used as a scratching post - it is the only real furniture I've ever had (always had to get second-hand garbage since I had evil cats). I enjoy being able to display fragile objects. I don't like litter pans - not the work involved, actually, but the appearance, the smell and the inevitable tracking of litter around the house. For the first time in my life, I have a clean, comfortable house in which I can place any object in any location and actually investigate and invest in quality (or a reasonable facimile) furnishings. But, I am also lonely. I have been suffering terribly from isolation sickness and I remember fondly the companionship of a fellow living creature. So, I am considering another friggin' feline. Of course, the type I would get would be a Sphynx - the type with no hair - and those run a tasty dollar...but no cat hair to worry about...
7. My car. It needs detailing in the worst way. Also, the windshield leaks and there is a very disturbing noise under the hood. I hate cars for this reason. They self-sabotage and it is up to me to deliver them from their jam. Luckily, my mechanic is within walking distance and I can do a drop off and walk home. But, its another drain on the brain.
There are other little mental ruminations, but those are the ones lit with neon lettering. Nothing earth-shattering, really, but issues that will actually require action on my part. And that is what I am least capable of at the moment - action. Both physically and mentally. I am just pooped with having to think about life and take actions to keep things flowing somewhat smoothly. Of course, this is really just a big bag of whine and I should be paddled for such nonsense, but when you are couch-surfing with your good buddy Percoset, whining counts as recreation...
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