A Heater Should Not Run In May

But it does. All morning, I have been hearing the faint rattle that announces the activity of my boiler. It is May and my heat is still working stalwartly to maintain my level of comfort. That is simply awful. The first day of supposed Spring occurred forever and a day ago, but my heat still must remain functional to ward off the cold nights and cool days. I am still bundled in sweaters and tights as I sally forth to work. This weekend shall not break the lower 50's. And it shall be rainy.

This has not been a weather-happy year. Cold and wet, the two things for which humans were not designed to bear well. We arose and evolved in hot, arid lands - the conditions experienced by my area this year are completely counter to those understood by our genes. We have internal mechanisms galore to rid our bodies of excess heat; we have little to help our shivvering systems stay warm. Obviously, we should all be living in tropical spelendor...

Humans are designed to survive cold by using external assistance - we eat and lay down layers of fat. We clothe our bodies to keep our internally-generated warmth from escaping into the cold night air. We huddle with others for warmth. Eating and socializing are not just for recreation - they are what have kept us alive throughout the millenia. Other of Earth's creatures are adapted for cold weather and even for very dynamic conditions. The animals of the poles demonstrate internal shifts in metabolism and behavior, grow thicker and more abundant fur, are physically designed to retain warmth (compact, heavy bodies, short limbs and ears, etc.). Humans are the ones arriving to the firefight with the pen knife. Throuw us naked on the tundra and the next day will find a naked corpse. Throw a snowshoe hair onto the tundra and all you'll find is a cheesed off rabbit.

This argues for the mass migration of humans away from areas in which the climate does not fit our evolutionary profile. Yes, we can do many things to maintain our existence in these colder climes, but consider the expense to the individual and the immense drain on our natural resources. The insult to the Earth necessary to give us sufficient heating oil, wood and electricity for our warmth is criminal. This situation is not the natural way and humans must begin to further adopt the ways of nature, the ways for which we are naturally adapted, in order for us to maintain a sustainable existence on this planet.

Thus my argument for a government-subsidized condo in Hawaii. If they can pay people over and over for homes destroyed because of their owner's brain-numbed insistence on building on hurricane-prone beaches, I should be entitled to a government-sponsored relocation based on the more sound principle of natural human evolution. I am not supposed to be here, according to Mother Nature, and one does not argue with one's Mother. I want a check. I want government funds. I want a voucher. I want a van with a US GOV plate to show up at my door to move me body and bulk to the tropics. I pay my taxes and deserve the assistance of Washington's social welfare programs. I shall email my congressman and demand my rights. I'm sure he'll give it due attention.

When he gets back from his winter holiday in Key West...