I was reminded today just what an illusory thing is friendship. Friends, apparently, are only there when you are everpresent to stroke their egos, laugh at their jokes. bolster their spirits...When you have to take time to get your own house in order, they apparently view this as an insult and the grudge is profound. In a way this is a good thing. It makes it very easy to carve these people from your mind and erase their self-important faces from your memory.
I had lost contact with a group of people for an extended period of time. With illness and other events occurring in my life, I did not have the mental and emotional reserves to behave as my usual energetic, helpful, supportive self. Such sentiments I had to keep back and maintain for my own use for a time. Even though I did nothing tangibly heinous to these individuals, apparently I am now persona non-grata. Upon a small attempt at reconnection, it was very quick to discern who were kind of heart and happy of spirit and who were self-serving and petty of demeanor. A very clean, clear line. I like things that way. Binary. Black and white. If only all things in life were so simple...
3 comments:
Sci
I don't know what happened, but I don't doubt that something did. I'm sorry....it was nice to see you again.
I'm glad to see you posting here, though. I like to check in from time to time; as long as you don't mind.
Take care,
J.
I never needed your support, nor for you to laugh at any of my jokes. I only wanted for you to be well. I checked in on you frequently, and you never answered my e-mails. When I called out of worry for you, you hollered at me.
When you came back to the forum six months ago, I sent you yet another e-mail saying how happy I was to see you. You completely ignored me.
Why is it OK for you to connect only on your terms? Why does being a friend mean we are to respond only at the moment you wish for it? Why doesn't any onus of friendship connection fall upon you?
I loved you, Sci. I thought you were wonderful. I was terribly worried and wanted to help, and I gave you space.
But the first time you returned to the forum, I was so happy. Do you remember what I posted? That it didn't matter what you said. Simply that you said anything was beautiful.
And then you left again.
It's terrible that you were not well. But some of us, the ones who continued to write and call out of love and concern for you, were not mind readers. We would have liked you to say, just once, that you were simply unable to maintain a friendship at that point but that you'd let us know when you could.
Just that little acknowledgement would have meant the world.
Otherwise, how do I know you weren't simply doing to me what you claim I am doing to you now?
Sci-
I don't really understand what happened either. I enjoyed having you on the forum, and when you were not doing well I thought of you and sent you a gift. Then you disappeared! I understand that sometimes people need time to themselves when they are not feeling well. I figured that is why you were refusing to acknowledge any of us.
I was happy to see you back on the forum, but I was going through surgery, and not feeling well. I was not posting very much. I am sorry if I did not say hello.
I would like to see you around regardless of if you are giving or in need of support.
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