Boobs

Oh how I hate them. I have never in my entire life enjoyed having boobs. One of the nicest benefits about dwindling to a stick figure for some years was that I didn't have to worry about boobs. I swear that I would swallow a tapeworm, if I could find an sterilized one, to shrivel me once more so as to lose my boobs.

I have never been a very feminine femme. Unlike others of the Double-X Sisterhood, I do not rejoice in makeup, new shoes, frilly accessories or sultry underwear. I guess I'm just too pragmatic to worry about such things. I wear cheap makeup (the only reason I wear any at all is that it keeps me from looking dead) and buy my shoes, accessories and underpants at Walmart. I don't really work to coordinate outfits and have never, ever, considered matching undergarments with each other, let alone with my outerwear. It appears to me that women who love these sorts of things enjoy their mammary tissue. They shop for underwear that highlights their curves and makes their boobs look as spectacular as possible. They buy clothes that suit their boobs. An outfit that is not sufficiently boobalicious does not make it out of the dressing room.

I buy cheap bras. As long as they keep my boobs from flopping around, any brand or style is acceptable. Well,that's not true - I hate underwire. The damn things just seem to pinch no matter what. But, I never choose a bra for its boob-enhancing qualities. Even with small boobs, I never worried about push-ups or push-togethers or any of that nonsense. I was content to wear NO bra and a joy it was. Boobs that just stayed put and didn't get in the way of anything. That's the ticket. But since I again have boobs with which to deal, the cheapest bra in the world is more than enough.

Boobs flop and plop and move and groove in ways that I do not find appealing. I don't like part of me jigging left when I'm jagging right. I don't like that I want to nip into the bathroom on a warm day to give the underside of my boobs a wipedown. I don't like that they're squishy to poke at and painful if you poke too hard. A well-planted poodle foot can give a boob a right painful prod. I just don't like the way they feel. They seem to detract from "clean" movement.

I doubt that I will ever become fast friends with my boobs. They just don't fit well with my mindset and lifestyle. I wish they offered liposuction for boobs. I'd be first in line as soon as the clinic opened...